We Know Jokes - One Line Wisdom

One Line Wisdom

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I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

I am having an out of money experience.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I am on a thirty-day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

I am retired -- this is as dressed up as I'm going to get.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I can see clearly now, the brain has gone.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I can't remember when times were not hard and money not scarce

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

I come unbundled.

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!

I Do Whatever My Rice Crispies Tell Me To.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't trust statistics. Never try to cross a river that has an average depth of 4 feet.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I hacked into Microsoft, and all I got was this lousy source code.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have kleptomania and, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine

I have the body of a god - Buddha.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I Haven't Lost My Mind -- It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

I Haven't Lost My Mind; It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I hope life isn't a big joke... because I don't get it.

I intend to live forever. (So far, so good.)

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just got lost in thought…it was unfamiliar territory.

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I knew she was an embalmer's daughter when she left me completely drained.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I love defenseless animals, especially in good gravy.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

I never forget a face, But in my mother-in-laws case I'm willing to make an exception

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I once knew a blonde that called me to get my phone number!

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I really like my paper shredder. It makes me feel my trash is important.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I refuse to make summary judgments on wintry days."

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

I sometimes get up grumpy, but then she wakes up.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

I think I'll skip the meal if they're serving Meat Balls...

I think it's me.

I think that The Miss Universe pageant is fixed because the winner is always from Earth.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I want to drop my body off at the gym like I do with my clothes at the dry cleaners.

I was a banker, but lost interest.

I was born on the first of the month so they called me "Bill."

I was reading some Braille earlier - it felt all wrong to me.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I would not breed from this Officer.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.

I'm a kleptomanic. What can I take for it?

I'm an imbecile and I vote!

I'm an influential person - gravitationally speaking.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

I'm not a slow learner. I'm a quick forgetter.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

I'm not cheap but for the right party I'm on special this week!

I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am!

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun

I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a ram is a sheep, and an ass is a donkey, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a Stealth Bomber crashes into a forest, does it make a sound ?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

If at first you don't succeed...skydiving isn't for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If being in fashion is so desirable why does it change so often?

If con is the opposite of pro is congress the opposite of progress?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

If God dropped acid would he see people?

If God had been in favor of homosexuality, He never would have created Anita Bryant!

If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers.

If Harry Potter is so bloody good at magic, how come he still needs glasses?

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date YOUR daughter.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

If I was you I would have sex with me

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If it works, Don't fix it.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If love is blind, how does love at first sight work?

If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It the Wrong WAY!...

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If there ain't no feathers no way can that thing fly!

If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going

If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If we are what we eat, I am fast, cheap, and easy

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If we can't fix it - its broken!

If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you're overdressed.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?

If You can not Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.

If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!

If you can't be kind, be vague.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?

If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

If You Drink Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If you must lie, be brief.

If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.

If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?

If you take the path out of pathos, where will it lead you?

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it backwards.

If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

If you want my opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the usual forms.

if you want to kiss your hunny but her nose is runny you may think it's funny but it's snot!

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.

If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?

Illiterate? Write For Help

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and make it better!

In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word 'frustration'.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

In GOD we trust - all others require a phase review.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

In order for your ship to come in, you must first build a dock.

In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.

In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm.

In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.

In the country of the blind the one eyed man is king.

In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Individualists unite!

Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is there another word for synonym?

Is today the day for decisive action? That depends.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

It is better to have poor taste than no taste at all.

It is hard to fly with the eagles when you work with the turkeys.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

It is not what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.

It is the same breeze which lifts girl's skirts that blows sand in your eyes.

It is time for us men to acknowledge not only that women are vastly superior beings (that's easy) but also that they are in every way that matters our equals. That's hard.

It just seems longer.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It might be the early bird who gets the worm, but its the second mouse who gets the cheese!

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

It was so cold, the town flasher ran up and described himself.

It works better if you plug it in.

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.

It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.

It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

It's not the size of the club head; it's the rhythm of the stroke.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

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